China Doll

Kehadiran quarter life crisis di usia akhir 20-an telah mengguncang perspektif saya mengenai makna kehidupan dalam 2 tahun terakhir. Bisa dikatakan saya berada di titik terendah: tidak punya tujuan hidup; menjalani hari selalu dengan kekosongan dan merasa kesepian; tiada hari tanpa pikiran negatif, kecemasan berlebih dan kesedihan tanpa alasan; bahkan mengisolasi diri dari semua aspek kehidupan. Tidak jarang muncul pikiran untuk mengakhiri hidup dan berujung melakukan beberapa aktivitas yang membuat saya menyakiti diri sendiri. Hal tersebut berangsur memburuk hingga tepat di tahun ini saya sampai dalam sebuah kesadaran, bahwa saya membutuhkan bantuan profesional untuk melewati gangguan psikis yang saya alami.

Melalui proses yang sulit dan panjang, saya tersadarkan bahwa saat ini saya begitu benci dan jahat kepada diri sendiri. Lewat simbol-simbol dalam lukisan ini, saya memaknai diri saya yang akhirnya mampu perlahan memaafkan dan berdamai dengan ketidaksempurnaan diri sebagai bagian dari perjalanan hidup yang wajar. Karena itu, karya berjudul “China Doll” ini merupakan proses “terlahir kembali” menjadi diri saya yang lebih menghargai dan menyayangi diri sendiri. Saya belajar bahwa bentuk cinta akan diri sendiri bukan berarti egois, tapi menghadirkan kasih sayang tanpa syarat untuk menyembuhkan luka batin dan menguatkan saya dalam tantangan kehidupan yang akan terus datang di masa depan.

The presence of a quarter-life crisis in my late 20s has shaken my perspective on the meaning of life over the past two years. I can say that I have been at my lowest point: without a sense of purpose; living each day with emptiness and feeling lonely; every day filled with negative thoughts, excessive anxiety, and sadness without reason; even isolating myself from all aspects of life. It was not uncommon for thoughts of ending my life to arise, leading me to engage in activities that caused me to hurt myself. This gradually worsened until, exactly this year, I came to the realization that I needed professional help to overcome the psychological struggles I was facing.

Through a difficult and lengthy process, I became aware that I had been so hateful and cruel toward myself. Through the symbols in this painting, I interpret myself as someone who has, little by little, learned to forgive and make peace with my imperfections as part of the natural journey of life. Therefore, this artwork titled China Doll represents a process of "rebirth" into a version of myself that now values and loves myself more. I have learned that self-love does not mean selfishness, but rather, it is about offering unconditional care to heal emotional wounds and strengthen myself in facing the challenges of life that will continue to come in the future.

The past two years have been defined by my struggle with a quarter-life crisis in my late 20s, which has deeply shaken my understanding of life's meaning. I found myself at rock bottom, feeling purposeless, empty, and lonely. Each day was filled with negative thoughts, anxiety, and sadness without clear cause, and I withdrew from life entirely. There were times when thoughts of ending it all seemed to take over, and I engaged in self-destructive behaviours. This reached its lowest point earlier this year, when I finally recognized that I needed professional help to address the psychological pain I was enduring. It’s been a long and difficult journey, but I’ve come to realize how harshly I treated myself. The symbolism in my artwork reflects this process: it shows a person gradually learning to forgive and accept their flaws as part of life's natural course. The piece, titled China Doll, represents my "rebirth" into a more compassionate and self-loving version of myself. I've come to understand that self-love is not selfishness; it’s the practice of offering myself the care I need to heal emotionally and build the strength to face future challenges with resilience and hope.